🗺️ Integration vs. Abandonment: Why You Don't Have to Leave Yourself Behind

Happy Sunday friends 😎

Yesterday we spent the late afternoon at a South African market stocking up on boerewors and a few other essentials from home. As I wandered between the stalls, I found myself smiling at the sound of Portuguese and Afrikaans mixing together in conversation.

Many of the South Africans living here have Portuguese roots. Some have returned to a country their parents or grandparents once left, yet they're every bit as South African as they are Portuguese.

It got me thinking about identity, belonging, and the invisible rules many of us carry around as expats.

How much of ourselves are we supposed to leave behind when we move abroad? How much should we hold onto? And is there actually a "right" way to do any of this?

That's what we're exploring today.

Let's dive in, shall we?

Intrepid's new Premium Family trips are the kind you'll reminisce about for years to come. The eight new trips across Borneo, Morocco, India, Costa Rica, Sri Lanka, Vietnam, Thailand and Egypt put small groups of families in the hands of Intrepid's most experienced local guides — with feature stays, cultural immersion, and kid-focused activities woven throughout. Stay in an overwater villa in Borneo and plant coral with your kids. Spend a night at a desert camp in Morocco under live Gnaoua music. See the Taj Mahal at sunrise as a family. Intrepid handles all the logistics so you can stay present for the moments that matter, while travelling in small groups of three to five like-minded families.

See the full trip lineup

Convento dos Capuchos. Built in 1560, this "Cork Convent" sheltered Franciscan friars seeking ultimate penance through poverty and silence. Monks slept in cells so small they could barely lie down, their beds literally carved from mountain rock, walls padded with cork bark. Local legend whispers of a broken vow that cursed the monastery. Some visitors report motionless figures in corridors and whispered prayers in forgotten languages. Unlike Sintra's opulent palaces, Capuchos offers something rarer: a glimpse into extreme devotion, where discomfort was communion and isolation was enlightenment.

Get your copy here ➡ TheLifeArbitrage.com

In a few weeks, my daughter graduates from primary school.

She completed all four years in the Portuguese public school system, and along the way, we watched a surprising thing happen.

She's not completely South African anymore.

But she's not completely Portuguese either.

She switches effortlessly between languages. She understands cultural references that leave me completely lost. She has habits, expressions, and ways of seeing the world that didn't come from us and didn't come entirely from Portugal either.

Like many children growing up between countries, she's becoming her own unique blend of both.

And, to be honest, this has had me wondering something for a while now:

Am I doing this expat thing right?

It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud. We've built a life here. We're settled (mostly). We're safe.

And yet there is still this little voice that occasionally whispers:

You should be integrating better.

I don't know where this voice comes from, but if you've lived abroad for any length of time, you've probably heard it too.

It's the invisible expat rulebook again.

The one that suggests there is a correct way to belong.

A correct way to integrate.

A correct way to become part of your adopted country.

And according to this imaginary rulebook, holding onto pieces of home can sometimes feel suspiciously close to failure.

Which is awkward, because after more than four years in Portugal, I listen to more Afrikaans music than I ever did in South Africa.

Back home it was just music. But here, it's comfort. It's familiarity. It's connection.

The same goes for certain foods (boerewors, Mrs Ball’s Churtney), traditions (braai, braai, and more braaiing), expressions (lekker man, voetsek, nou gaan ons braai), and little pieces of South African life that I hardly noticed when I was surrounded by them every day.

At first, I thought this was homesickness. Now I think it's something else.

💌

A few months ago I sat down with expat psychologist Gabriela Encina to talk about identity and belonging, and one idea from that conversation has been playing on repeat since then.

The truth is, none of us stay exactly the same after moving abroad. The places we live, the people we meet, and the experiences we have inevitably leave their mark on us.

The version of ourselves that exists in one country is never exactly the same as the version that exists in another.

What if the question isn't whether we're integrating enough? What if the question itself is wrong?

Because the more I looked at my daughter, the more obvious it became.

She isn't replacing one identity with another. She's adding.

She's adding Portuguese to South African. Adding new experiences to old foundations. Adding new traditions without discarding the old ones.

She isn't abandoning herself.

She's expanding herself.

And perhaps that's what healthy integration actually looks like.

Not choosing between who you were and who you're becoming.

Making room for both.

I think many of us spend years worrying that we're getting it wrong.

We worry that enjoying our home culture means we're resisting our new one.

We worry that embracing our new culture means we're betraying our old one.

We worry that we're somehow sitting on the fence instead of fully belonging.

But maybe there was never a fence to begin with.

Maybe belonging was never meant to be a choice between one thing and another. Maybe it's allowed to be messy. Maybe it's allowed to look different for every family.

Maybe you're allowed to blast Afrikaans music on the way to the beach, order tremoços with your imperial, say it’s lekker, and still call Portugal home.

Maybe you don't have to leave yourself behind in order to belong somewhere new.

In fact, perhaps the people who thrive abroad aren't the ones who replace themselves. Perhaps they're the ones who give themselves permission to evolve.

To keep what matters and let go of what doesn't.

To become something new without feeling guilty about what came before.

So this week, I invite you to think about one thing you've held onto since moving abroad.

Then ask yourself:

What if this isn't evidence that I'm failing to integrate? What if it's evidence that I'm building a life that includes all the places that have shaped me?

Because after four years in Portugal, I think that's the lesson I'm finally learning.

You don't have to leave yourself behind to move forward.

And you certainly don't have to stop being who you are in order to belong.

💌

Thank you for spending a few minutes with me today. If this resonated with you, I'd love to hear your experience. Have you found yourself holding onto parts of home more tightly since moving abroad? Or perhaps you've surprised yourself by embracing parts of your new culture you never expected. Hit reply and tell me your story. I'm always curious about the many different ways we learn to belong.

I’m giving away a free guide from the recently launched Portugal Driver's Toolkit to every reader who votes in this week's poll.

No catch, no purchase necessary. Just pick the topic that's most useful to you right now, and I'll send your guide straight to your inbox. Consider it a little gift, and a taste of what's inside the full toolkit.

Pick the guide you need most from the list above, and I’ll send it over, on the house.

Do you know how to talk about body sounds and reactions in European Portuguese? 😅

In this short lesson, you’ll learn how to say everyday things like:

These are words you don’t usually learn in textbooks, but they’re part of real, everyday Portuguese and help you understand native speakers better.

Learning this kind of vocabulary will make your Portuguese feel more natural, relaxed, and real.

🗣 Want to learn more phrases like this? Check out Mia’s free Portuguese course “Kickstart Your Portuguese - The Basics”.

💡 Mia from Mia Esmeriz Academy is a Portuguese teacher from Porto with more than 15 years of experience teaching foreigners. She helps expats become fluent in Portuguese in a clear and practical way. Alongside her courses, she also shares free content on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok.

Thanks for reading! 💌

Hustle on!

Angelique

PS — got an expat friend who's one bureaucratic form away from booking a flight home? Forward this newsletter their way. We're all just trying to figure it out together.